If I were to be a Grinch about any holiday it would for sure be Halloween. Most likely another thing I inherited from my mother. She never tried to hide the fact that she didn't like it. We'd do the obligatory pumpkin jock-o-lantern carving and she'd even roast the seeds. As for costumes, I'd wear the gypsy skirt she'd worn as a little girl, until I outgrew it and also outgrew trick-or-treating. Costume parades at school filled me with dread. I hardly knew what a gypsy was and I was certain none of my class-mates would know either. Having to explain it would just enhance my feelings of awkwardness and dislike of any sort of attention.
Holding a couple of safety pins in her lips while she'd fit the skirt over my pants, she'd mutter about hating Hallowing as a child, and I assumed it was also because her own mother likely hated it as well.
As a teenager, our church held an annual Fall Festival on Halloween. Hay rides, game booths, bobbing for apples, chili cook-offs, and freshly fried home-made donuts became something both my mother and I anticipated. By the end of October the Arizona heat was finally cooling down and an evening of strolling around from booth to booth seeing little costumed kids and eating Fall comfort food was so fun.
My first baby's first Halloween was naturally easy. We purchased her a one-piece pajama that was striped like a clown outfit. A dual-purpose purchase. We took our ten-month old baby trick-or-treating and as I munched on the few pieces of chocolate from her small pumpkin bucket I thought how having children could be a perk this time of year.
As more babies came along, my lack of creativity and a next to zero budget for anything extra mostly just caused me angst. I found myself agitated at the mere thought of having to come up with ideas, only to have to put jackets over the costumes anyway. Eventually I turned costume duty over to the children and their dad. They did a great job and I focused on the one thing I had confidence in. Food. I figured if I made a memorable meal the family could eat before venturing out to load up on sugar I'd have contributed something positive to the holiday. Chili and scones, Pazole' and fresh tortillas. Clam chowder and bread bowls. Affordable and delicious. We'd even invite friends and family over. It was a win-win. I'd cook the food. The kids would bring me chocolate. Year after year I was losing my dread and actually began to anticipate Halloween.
Now many of our children have their own families. They are establishing their own fun traditions. Funny how the pendulum can swing. They love Halloween. They love dressing up with their children, and usually do some sort of theme. It's adorable, and I appreciate their creativity and enthusiasm. I also love that I have zero obligations in that particular holiday department anymore.
Natalie asked me earlier this week if we'd like to come to their house for dinner tonight. I told her we'd probably skip since the kids would be out trick-or-treating anyway and we'd likely not get to see much of them. Knowing that we'd have no-one knocking on our cabin door for candy, I decided to take an evening hike.
Almost all the leaves that were, just a few weeks ago, blazing with yellows, oranges, and reds, have fallen off their branches. The sun looks so different now, as it always does when winter is approaching. Gamble oaks. Mama adored them. I stopped to take a picture of a large one, it's branches so gnarled and apropos for this particular evening.
Halloween. I remembered the Halloween night Natale invited Mama and her husband Terry to come over to her house for her favorite (next to French onion) soup, pazole'. Natalie had asked her what she'd like her to make and that was what she'd chosen. When Dave and I arrived to Natalie's, she said "I talked to Grandma and she said they're not coming, she isn't feeling very good."
The next morning, I texted her. "Mama? How are you feeling this morning?" She never texted back. I called her and she didn't answer. I called Terry's phone and he said she wasn't being responsive. We immediately drove over and took her to the hospital. She passed away two days later.
In all the years that I've owned a cell phone, I have never set up a voice mail for it. The one and only time I regret not having one, is thinking that if only I could have saved a voice mail of my mother's. Because I know exactly what she would have said at the beginning of leaving a message. "Hello my darling."
In truth, I can hear her voice in my head, so it doesn't really matter.
I write a lot about how much I miss my parents. I suppose it's how I choose to deal with the heaviness of the loss.
The great thing about holidays and traditions and memorable meals, is that they can conjure up wonderful, life-long, happy memories. The awful thing about holidays and traditions, is that they can also conjure up feelings of sadness and grief.
No one really prepares you for middle-age. The time of raising a family is so all-consuming and thankfully there is so much information, help and community available for that period of your life. It's a strange thing still have the concern and worry over your children and grand-children and yet none of the control. It's even stranger to have the feelings of a needy child and yet neither of your parents are there. Sometimes I don't want to be a grown-up. Sometimes I just want to be a little kid again. But it's fleeting and then I remind myself how beyond blessed and lucky I am.
I never bought any Halloween candy this week. But I bet it'll be on sale in the stores for over 50% off simply because it's wrapped in black and orange wrappers with ghosts and witches printed on them. I'll buy some and put them in the deep freeze where hopefully I'll forget about them until I get a serious hankering. It's a method that has served me well for a lot of years. I don't even have to put on a gypsy skirt to get it.
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