I miss my period. Not to be confused with "missed" mind you. It's been hanging around off and on for the the majority of my life. Auntie Flo. She first came to visit me while I was riding in the back seat of my Grandparent's car. After three years or so of waiting, wondering, and whispering with a couple of my little girl-friends, here I was...with a tummy ache and no supplies. Just my grand-parents in the front seat and my little brother next to me in the back. I was certainly NOT going to say anything to any of them. I'd wait till I got home and tell my mother. She'd know what to do. Plus I had an older sister who was already married and had a baby. I had joined the sorority. And although nothing much happened to my chest for....well really till I had my own baby years later, along with feeling a bit sick, I also felt a bit proud. I was growing up! And someday I would have babies! I wore maxi-pads for a long time. Mostly because I was too scared of tampons hurting. Let's just say the technology and design of feminine hygiene products in the late '70's early '80's left much to be desired. Like muuuuuuuch to be desired. Like make you feel like a baby wearing a diaper sort of situation. A perpetually bloody, wet diaper. My mother would occasionally inquire if I were sure I didn't want to try tampons. No. I was sure. Did I want her to help me figure out how to use them she asked? Uuummmm no! I was a modest girl with a rapidly changing body and there was no way I was going to let her see me in anything other than fully clothed. Then the cramps started to kick into high gear. And the relentless ache in my lower back that would radiate down my entire right leg. One day my mother walked into the house and found me curled up in a ball on the living room floor. She brought me an Excedrin. The cramps vanished within minutes. Excedrin was her go-to for her frequent head-aches.
I don't know if there was period/cramp specific medicine back in the day and Ben and Jerry weren't around back then to offer any help.
This must have been a good non-rage, crying, raging for chocolate day circa 1983
The night of my high-school graduation, my church seminary held an all-night party. Lots of wholesome adult-supervised activities ending with a breakfast hosted by several parents. Auntie Flo decided to tag along. First activity, roller-skating! You know, lots of moving of your legs roller-skating. The maxi-pad thing. Not working. Enter the tampon. Literally. Nothing like desperate times forcing desperate measures. So, all I can say is "life-changing". And also, I wish my mother had just burst her way into the bathroom years earlier declaring that she had changed my diapers for at least two years and attending my bathroom duties for another three or so, and she'll attend them once more! Problem is, she had a hysterectomy when I was four years old, and periods seemed to never be a topic of conversation. She simply never had one in my memory, and I assumed she wouldn't understand how to handle mine. Also that modest thing. And stubbornness.
The rage. The chocolate cravings. The tears. Most of those things were targeted at my poor little brother, since he was the only sibling left at home by the time my hormones were in full swing. So many times I would bribe him to hop on his bike with some coins promising I'd buy him a candy bar too if he'd please just go get me some chocolate. And I don't mean later. I mean hop on that bike boy! NOW! Pleeeeeease??!! And why was it that it's like he knew I was on the brink of rage, when he would just say the weirdest, rudest comments. "Is that a new zit?" Little half-grin on his face. Are you serious??!! I would become deranged. Threaten to burn him with my curling iron. Once I went out and got in the car to drive away from him so I wouldn't, well I don't even know what I was going to do, but I do know I wanted to get far away from him. I turn the key, the engine revs, and I'm about to make my escape. The passenger door opens. He slides in and sits down, grins at me and says, "Why are you so upset?" I lost it. I had no idea why I was upset. He existed. That's why. I yelled at him to "geeeeeeet ooooooout of the caaaaaaaaarrrrrr!!!!!" I saw stars. I was so full of rage, I nearly blacked out. He grinned, opened the door and got out. Brothers.
I married (ripe old age of eighteen) and was on the birth control pill. My periods had all but vanished. For two years I faithfully took that little pill same time each morning. But I wanted babies. I couldn't remember a time I didn't want babies. One day I announced to my then-husband that I was done waiting. We needed to grow up and be responsible adults and this was going to help us with that. I threw my pill case away and figured I'd get pregnant within a week or two. Four months later I was in a complete panic. I went to an OB/GYN. He offered to start me on Clomid. "Only a tiny chance of twins!" I said later, trying to build my case for how I was going to build our family. I received a hard "hell-no". Back to the Dr. Okay....track your period and take your temperature with a basal thermometer each morning before you rise from bed. This will help tell you if and when you ovulate. I took my temperature and charted for six weeks. The chart spiked and never came back down. I took it to the Dr. who ran a blood test. Pregnant! I thought my heart would explode from the overwhelming joy I felt.
Nine months and no period. But the whole host of other pregnancy symptoms tend to over-ride the period-free life. Always worth it once you hold your tiny new person in your arms. My babies nursed like champs. So much so that I never got a period until they weaned. So between the average of my seven babes nursing approximately two years each, and the nine months carrying each of them, that's a nice dry-spell (see the pun there?) of no bleeding for me. I haven't had a period for over a year. They say that once a woman goes a minimum of one solid year of zero bleeding she is then in "post-menopause".
Re-creating that 1983 pic. Celebrating a new stage of womanhood 37 years later.
Tonight I looked up at the night-sky. The silver-moon so incredibly bright. I could still see roundness of the darkened part of it. Is it true, the moon controls the tide? And periods too? I'm not sure the specifics. I looked at the moon and thought, "Am I losing my connection to this force of nature?" This thing that consumes so much of a woman's life. It is dreaded, and yet when it finally arrives it's such a relief. The headaches, the bloating, the hunger, and the crying jags. We bleed. It's evidence that our bodies were prepared to create a home for a new life should a tiny person plant itself there. There is an energy somewhere in that monthly cycle that helps you get difficult things done. Helps you say the hard things you might not have the courage to say during other times of the month. The energy to paint entire rooms single-handedly or plant an entire garden in a day. There is so much more information and education now about these cycles. And now my times for personally needing it is over.
So tonight I am missing my period. I'm saying goodbye and goodnight to a companion that has been with me nearly all my life. My body is making a shift. I'm trying to get to know it in a whole new way. No more mood swings marked by the calendar. But tears are often close. No more energy surges. I now lie in bed upon waking and have to respect the fact that if I don't start by moving slowly everything might hurt just a little. Once I was surrounded by women cycling, nursing, and raising little ones and we shared our common worries and triumphs. Now I am navigating my relationships with my adult children, aging parents, and our grandchildren and I try not to worry or I can't sleep.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight Ben. Goodnight Jerry. All you two do now is pack weight around my middle. Goodnight chocolate. Well now I'm not that crazy. Chocolate. You are with me forever.
The photos are from a trip we took last March 2020 to White Sands National Park. I wanted to document the fact that I could finally wear all white fearlessly. And what better place than in a glorious all white part of Mother Earth. It seemed quite fitting.
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